Days Go Bye!

I have been feeling down again. I don't know where my life is going to end up. I really don't know if I want a life anymore. I feel sometimes there is no way out of all of this.

I go to work, a very very degrading job and work with a bunch of teenagers that seem to have it all and not a care in the world. They all have their teenage years and college to look foward to. I have never had any of the above because I fucked up way too young and had children.

God I feel as if I have nothing to look foward to. Shit who am I kidding, I don't have anything to show for anything.

I want to move far away where no one knows me again and try to start all over again. I can't even do that. I'm stuck here and who know's for how long this time. I should of never left the last city but I really had no choice.

I'm 26 and I work a shitty job and have nothing.

Here and Now

I was so worried AM was mad at me that I had sent her out an email in destress. She wrote me back and said that she was not mad at me at all. As a matter of fact she was out of town for abot a week and that's why I had not heard from her in such a while. So I feel better about that now.

Terra has not called today and this is about a shock. I know she is going through a lot right now but so am I. I finally have to take care of myself.

I don't think I want to be with her anymore but now is not the time to break it off. She asked me the other day if I still wanted her to move in with me. I paused for a long time because I was not expecting that to come out.

I can't honestly remember what I had said to her about it.

Later on down the road she said that she had someting to ask me. She took her time with it. Finally she asked me if I wanted to keep the baby.

I had to go on to explain to her that we were in no position to have a baby together and beside the fact we hardly knew each other.

Ohhh what to do!

She also said that she missed me because I have an hourly job now. She was so used to coming over whenever and I would be home, now I am hardly ever here. She sees me for about a 1/2 hour before I have to go to work and during that time I am always getting ready.

I'm not in love with her and I have tried to convince myself that I had feelings for me but it's not working. I'm using her and I know this. I can't do this to her anymore..this is not right but we have the situation that we have to deal with for a bit.

She told me that she was bored without me around.

I asked her what she did before me. She said that she always went to the movies with some guy. I told her to go out and do what she had did before. I'm trying to push her away and it's not working.

Mandarin

I'm thinking about Mandarin tonight and I have no idea why. I have not thought about her this way in a long time. I don't know if I want her back shit, even if I did I could never have her back. I'm so stupid I need to let her go already. It has been two years since we had broke up.

What's goin on?

There has been a lot going on. I have noth ad much time to work on this.

Where do I start?

T is pregnant. She has been suspecting for some time now but we have both been in denial about the situation. I have been asking her to get a test and finally she did. She is absolutly pregnant. I have not even known this girl over 2 months and already we are having a child together?

We had a talk about it all and we have decided to terminate the pregnancy. It was a hard thing to think about. I have always heard of people in the same situation and it always sounded like a n easy thing to do. Well it's not.

T

I have been spending a lot of time with T lately. I am starting to like her more and more.
It never fails someone I meet has something about them I am not comfortable with. Something that I always say to myself.."We have to work on this..". T has not shown any of these things. Shit, we have talked about what it would be like if we were to ever live together! I don't know what's goin on with me and her. She has been sharing with me her thoughts and dreams and so far I have givin her nothing. I have been such an asshole to her in that way. I have been so closed towards her but she told me that she was going to stick around if I let her anyways.
She seems to think I will come out of this emotional funk that I am in. She said that I am different than the others she has dated. Well aren't we all?

I don't know!

I'm still not sure what to think of T yet. She had been just about perfect towards me but I am having such a hard time getting through my own wall. I know that I should show her a little more emotion but it's just not what I have been used to in this past year with K.

It's pretty ironic though that for the past 390 days with K I had been begging for this type of attention and now that I have it from T, I don't know what to do with it. I have never had this problem before, I have always been the type to put my feelings out there first and make it known what I was expierencing in a relationship. Now, I have become a stone. I don't feel like I'm dead just very guarded.

I have to work my way out of this if I am to ever have another relationship.


I wrote T a letter lastnight. I told her that I do appreciate all the things that she does for me and I also told her that I know I have this massive prison wall up but I can't get out! I acknowledge it but there seems nothing can be done about it.

I don't know

What was I thinking?

T is picking me up. We're going out to meet her friends for lunch. I was kind of volunteered for this but I accepted just because I need to get out more. I spend entirely too much time thinking about stupid things.

I don't know what I was thinking the other night! I told T that we could get a place together in two months if she wanted to.

She's a great girl and she gives me all that I have been wanting from K this past year or so. My mind is all screwed up what the hell was I thinking!