Here and Now

I was so worried AM was mad at me that I had sent her out an email in destress. She wrote me back and said that she was not mad at me at all. As a matter of fact she was out of town for abot a week and that's why I had not heard from her in such a while. So I feel better about that now.

Terra has not called today and this is about a shock. I know she is going through a lot right now but so am I. I finally have to take care of myself.

I don't think I want to be with her anymore but now is not the time to break it off. She asked me the other day if I still wanted her to move in with me. I paused for a long time because I was not expecting that to come out.

I can't honestly remember what I had said to her about it.

Later on down the road she said that she had someting to ask me. She took her time with it. Finally she asked me if I wanted to keep the baby.

I had to go on to explain to her that we were in no position to have a baby together and beside the fact we hardly knew each other.

Ohhh what to do!

She also said that she missed me because I have an hourly job now. She was so used to coming over whenever and I would be home, now I am hardly ever here. She sees me for about a 1/2 hour before I have to go to work and during that time I am always getting ready.

I'm not in love with her and I have tried to convince myself that I had feelings for me but it's not working. I'm using her and I know this. I can't do this to her anymore..this is not right but we have the situation that we have to deal with for a bit.

She told me that she was bored without me around.

I asked her what she did before me. She said that she always went to the movies with some guy. I told her to go out and do what she had did before. I'm trying to push her away and it's not working.