T

I have been spending a lot of time with T lately. I am starting to like her more and more.
It never fails someone I meet has something about them I am not comfortable with. Something that I always say to myself.."We have to work on this..". T has not shown any of these things. Shit, we have talked about what it would be like if we were to ever live together! I don't know what's goin on with me and her. She has been sharing with me her thoughts and dreams and so far I have givin her nothing. I have been such an asshole to her in that way. I have been so closed towards her but she told me that she was going to stick around if I let her anyways.
She seems to think I will come out of this emotional funk that I am in. She said that I am different than the others she has dated. Well aren't we all?

I don't know!

I'm still not sure what to think of T yet. She had been just about perfect towards me but I am having such a hard time getting through my own wall. I know that I should show her a little more emotion but it's just not what I have been used to in this past year with K.

It's pretty ironic though that for the past 390 days with K I had been begging for this type of attention and now that I have it from T, I don't know what to do with it. I have never had this problem before, I have always been the type to put my feelings out there first and make it known what I was expierencing in a relationship. Now, I have become a stone. I don't feel like I'm dead just very guarded.

I have to work my way out of this if I am to ever have another relationship.


I wrote T a letter lastnight. I told her that I do appreciate all the things that she does for me and I also told her that I know I have this massive prison wall up but I can't get out! I acknowledge it but there seems nothing can be done about it.

I don't know

What was I thinking?

T is picking me up. We're going out to meet her friends for lunch. I was kind of volunteered for this but I accepted just because I need to get out more. I spend entirely too much time thinking about stupid things.

I don't know what I was thinking the other night! I told T that we could get a place together in two months if she wanted to.

She's a great girl and she gives me all that I have been wanting from K this past year or so. My mind is all screwed up what the hell was I thinking!

Just Another Day.

T has been coming over every morning now before she goes to work. I starting not to mind it as much. She has been so nice to me.

Well, I still have not found a job ..I had a phone interview today about some things but I was not really prepared for it. I think I might of sounded like I was half asleep.

Too tired to write today.

Mood: Tired

This was done LIVE! No editing of any sort:)

Sometimes a tune will just pop in my head. This is an example of such. I don't claim to be a musician so bare with the screw ups.

4am Playin on the Midi

X-man's B-Day!

Today is my sons' B-day. He's officially 11 years old!! I called him this morning to wish him a happy one. We talked a little about Yu Gi Oh and the movie he was going to see tonight. I miss him and A.

The Great Depression! 

The Great Depression!

I seem to have become a motivator to everyone but it's draining me. How can I sit here and tell people how they can get to their dreams when I have lost all of mine. Everyone that I have met recently have been coming to me for life advice. T is feeling much like I do about life and the hardships we face.

How can I tell her that there seems to be no relief in sight. I always fall into these traps of helping others to achive their goals and putting my feeling and needs aside.

For the past few weeks I have been thinking about suicide. I think about it more and more. The different ways to do it and what I would write in my letter. It has turned out to be more work than I had thought. Just writing letters to everyone is a task. I don't want anyone to think that they could of stopped it. I don't want anyone to feel like they are responsible for it either. I'm writing these letters as best as I can to convey the message that no one is at fault but me.

I really feel like this is something that I have to do. I don't see anything that I can do different. I have about fucked up my life to the point there is nothing else to do.

I can't even write anymore. I don't want to see what I have to say!
I have felt like this many times. I have thought of ways to kill myself but this time it's different. Usually I'm crying and very sad when thinking about things but now I am very calm. I am thinking clearly about it. I'm planning.

All I have to do is set a date. I don't want it to be close to any holidays or anything like that.

Happiness Vs Anger Pt.4

K called me just now. She started off by asking what I was up to. I told her nothing much I was writing a little but it was nothing special. She then went into it. "So, did you get any lastnight?"

Why she wants to know these things is beyond me. I did not answer her question. I had to ask, "Why are you calling me?" She said that she missed me and wanted to talk more with me. I had to tell her that there was nothing I had to say to her. I do not want her calling me anymore. She then went on about how we need to get back together and all that crap. Once again I had to explain why there was no way I could do that. She still acted like she did not hear anything I had said.

She also said that she was moving with her sister and I know her sis does not have a phone because they are all about ghetto there and have about no sense to pay their bills.

I'm rambling on but had to get this down.
I don't think I will hear from her again. Well at least I hope!

Happiness Vs ANGER! Pt. 4 

She's sleeping on the couch. Image borrowed from site. 

She's on the couch

She's sleeping in the livingroom right now. She seems like the type of girl that were she lays her head is home. I don't see how she can be som comfortable here. I don't know maybe it's because she is falling a little too fast for me.

She got here about 8pm tonight. We really did nothing but have sex. Now she is sleeping.
T is a funny girl but she is nice.

K called me earlier today. It was something I was not expecting for awhile. I figured I give her stuff back to her, she would at least wait a week or two before calling me for something trivial again.

She first asked why I had not answered her e-mail lastnight. I never got it so I had no idea what she was talking about. She went right into it. She said that she wanted me back eventhough I was seeing other people. She said that she was talking to D her ex. She went on to say that he and her had been hanging out about everyday, shooting pool and other sorts of things like that. She also mentioned that he was living with his parents. Funny I thought he was 25-27 years old and still at home with mama and daddy. Oh well anyways, the other night she went off on me because I was seeing someone else but she has been doing the same thing. I asked her why she was allowed to be pissed at me but she was doing the same thing. She had no answer. She changed the subject and started to say how he was real good to her but she missed me and wanted me back. She also for some reason said that he puts up with her shit. This is a long story that I WILL explain later on.

I told her I was happy for her and that she should keep doing what she is doing. K kept stressing how much she wanted me back and when she seen me lastnight she wanted to tell me.

I don't miss her like that. I really do not want to be with her again. If it was up to me and something easy to do I would move far from here.

You know, when she said that she was mad I was seeing someone else but she has been doing the same thing tells me that she is never going to change. There is no use is even talking to her as friends like she wants. Oh yea she said we can be friends, Ha I had told her I do not want to know her anymore and she does not get the hint.

Oh well she wants to come over monday night, yea you guessed it she wants to have sex with me! I don't feel it's a good idea. I know what she is trying to do but for some reason she thinks that I can't see it. Some people.